Spoiler Alert! Predicting the final top 6 Premier League standings

Spring is here and the weather is getting really nice (unless you’re allergic to pollen, then R.I.P.). I know you want to get out in the backyard or out on the front porch as early as possible on the weekends to begin day drinking while playing yard games before getting that mid-afternoon headache from your inevitable drunken war of words with your significant other.

What’s deterring you from beginning these yearly traditions you ask? The Premier League’s top 6 race, of course.

But hakuna matata, y’all. I’m here to provide you the final results of the 2018-19 Premier League season because content, and so that you can get on with your life and start planning out your own transfer targets for our beloved Manchester United.

Saturday, April 20, 2019

Manchester City vs. Tottenham, 3-2

Sergio Agüero gets his revenge for his missed penalty against Tottenham less than a fortnight earlier and blazes past the Tottenham defense to the tune of three goals before the break — leaving Hugo Lloris dazed and confused. Lucas Moura’s brace sparks up a resurgence but Tottenham’s half baked comeback is left up in smoke. Liverpool is, again, left wondering how high it must rise in the points total. I will be welcoming any other 4/20 references in the comments below.

Sunday, April 21, 2019

Everton vs. Manchester United, 2-2

At the time of this writing, Marco Silva has turned the Toffees around with three straight victories with zero goals conceded and the Portuguese manager is silencing detractors by turning Goodison Park into a fortress against top 6 opponents. A 2-0 win over Chelsea and a 1-0 win over Arsenal will have all of Everton confident that it can earn a result against a United side still playing in multiple competitions. Dominic Calvert-Lewin and Richarlison combine for the first goal before a rash challenge from Ashley Young earns himself a red card and concedes a dangerous free kick for Everton. Gylfi Sigurdsson drills his free kick and the United defense finds itself on the wrong side of a two goal lead. However, the gloved assassin, Tony Martial, slices and dices his way past Seamus Coleman and notches two goals, including one in stoppage time, to save a point for the 10-manned Red Devils.

Cardiff City vs. Liverpool, 0-3

Maybe I’m being influenced by my Game of Thrones binge, but this match will be a bloodbath. The Bluebirds are massacred by a Red Wedding-esque brace by Bobby Chompers and a final insurance goal from Georginio Wijnaldum. Again, Liverpool takes the lead back from City in its seemingly never-ending game of first place musical chairs.

Arsenal vs. Crystal Palace, 1-0

The Gunners enjoy their return home as Alexandre Lacazette puts home Mesut Özil’s assist early in the first half. Arsenal tightens up its flanks to prevent the counter attack from Crystal Palace. The Eagles nearly find their equalizer late, but Andros Townsend’s strike ricochets off the crossbar.

Monday, April 22, 2019

Chelsea vs. Burnley, 1-1

Burnley’s need to stay out of the relegation scrap finds The Clarets stealing a point at the Bridge. The ghost of José Mourinho smiles on as Sean Dyche manages his side into the most incredible park the bus routine that Chelsea has seen in a long while. Burnley’s top man up top, Chris Wood, muscles a strike into the back of the net, and the Burnley defense drops back further to earn the result. Eden Hazard — knowing he has to put the team on his back for the umpteenth time — knifes through the opposition before placing a low-driven shot past Tom Heaton.

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Tottenham vs. Brighton & Hove Albion, 4-0

Brighton might as well be in the relegation scrap and Spurs prove that fact at home. Future Manchester United number 7 (at least in my dreams), Son, bags a brace while Fernando Llorente(!?) also, inexplicably, snags two goals of his own. Nothing of note will occur for the Seagulls as they’re chased out of London by the Cockerels.

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

Wolverhampton vs. Arsenal, 2-0

Wolves are a flat-out good team that steps up against top opposition. And, well, Arsenal does the exact opposite on the road — especially when Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang isn’t gifted another goal by the stupidity of Ben Foster. Raúl Jiménez continues his high-flying season with two goals against a woeful Arsenal defense and Bernd Leno.

Manchester United vs. Manchester City, 4-3

In what will be known as one of the most memorable Manchester Derbies in history, the Reds and Blues trade goals like haymakers in the heavyweight fight that could decide both the league and, in United’s case, Champions League qualification. Paul Pogba steps onto the pitch with his hair dyed red, and he leads his team’s attack with a goal and notching two more assists later in the game. David Silva answers quickly for City to knot the score back up. Never one to miss a big opportunity to stunt on a rival, Messi Lingard scores twice to give United a 3-1 lead. Bernardo Silva and Riyad Mahrez deliver goals to, again, tie the matchup. Finally, MANC BORN AND BRED MARCUS RASHFORD delivers the dagger in the final 10 minutes to turn his city red once again.

Friday, April 26, 2019

Liverpool vs. Huddersfield Town, 3-1

Liverpool — spurred on by the advantage earned following the momentous Manchester Derby — kicks the Terriers while they’re very, very down. Mane, Firmino, and Salah each score a goal to take a 3-0 lead before Huddersfield’s Mathias Jorgensen snags one back for pride.

Saturday, April 27, 2019

Tottenham vs. West Ham United, 1-1

An important London Derby yields opportunity for both fifth place Manchester United and sixth place Chelsea who play each other a day later. West Ham’s Felipe Anderson hits a screamer that forces a howler out of Lloris. Jan Vertonghen delivers an equalizer and a point for Tottenham after the Belgian defender heads in a corner kick from Christian Eriksen.

Sunday, April 28, 2019

Burnley vs. Manchester City, 1-3

After a disappointing derby performance, Manchester City takes out its frustration on the hapless Clarets. The future of German football, Leroy Sane, delivers the opening goal in the first half before assisting Gabriel Jesus twice to take a 3-0 lead halfway through the second half. Burnley’s Jack Cork nets one late to avoid the skunk but can’t save his team from the stench of their overall performance.

Manchester United vs. Chelsea, 1-0

All eyes are on Old Trafford as fifth and sixth place duke it out for a shot at moving into the final Champions League spot. Scotty McSauce scores his second Manchester United goal in as many weeks off a set piece to give the Red Devils a tenuous lead. Chelsea struggle to breakdown United’s defense and find themselves vulnerable on the counter. Marcus Rashford nearly doubles the lead in the second but his shot goes just wide as Kepa charges him. Thankfully, for the red side of Manchester, McTominay’s goal proves to be enough at the final whistle. United jump above Arsenal into fourth place as it finds itself level on points with Tottenham.

Leicester City vs. Arsenal, 1-1

Aubameyang scores the opening goal in an attempt to exorcise the demons of his side’s away record. However, cue the Kasabian playlist, because the Foxes decide to throw a Vardy Party with a late equalizer from their star striker to save the point at home.

Saturday, May 4, 2019

Manchester City vs. Leicester City, 2-0

City knows it has to win out in the final two weeks to have a shot at winning the league. Raheem Sterling delivers the first of those two wins as he scores the go-ahead goal before assisting Silva’s (dealer’s choice here on which Silva) insurance goal.

Newcastle United vs. Liverpool, 2-1

Oh my lanta, they’ve bottled it. Former MLS superstar Miguel Almiron proves again that he was too good for the American domestic league and provides a result not many outside of Newcastle expected. The Paraguayan midfielder dishes out two assists on his way to a man of the match award. Divock Origi’s second half goal isn’t enough to spark the comeback and City take back first place, thanks to the Magpies.

Chelsea vs. Watford, 1-0

Chelsea need the points and Watford has dreams of Wembley clouding its focus. Gonzalo Higuain scores on a poacher’s chance and it proves to be enough for the Blues. The Chelsea players rush to the dressing room to check the score of the other 10 a.m. game to see if it’s gained any ground on fifth place Arsenal…

Arsenal vs. Brighton & Hove Albion, 4-0

Chelsea are disappointed to find that Arsenal smashes Brighton. The Seagulls are stunned by the awesome might of Unai Emery actually playing Lacazette and Aubameyang at the same time. The duo combine for three goals while Aaron Ramsey scores one more.

Bournemouth vs. Tottenham, 1-2

The sides trade early goals before a stalemate settles in at the Vitality. The Cherries think they have the point locked up at home, but Harry Winks snatches the go-ahead goal in the 76th minute during a breakdown of play in the Bournemouth penalty area.

Huddersfield Town vs. Manchester United, 1-1

The already-relegated Terriers provide some extra tension for Manchester United in the penultimate weekend. Huddersfield finds the back of the net first, but Romelu Lukaku saves the point for United with an equalizer to open the second half.

Premier League Top 6 Standings entering Matchweek 38

Sunday, May 12, 2019

Tottenham vs. Everton, 3-2

Everton continue the premise that a 2-0 lead is the most dangerous lead in sports and erase Son’s first half brace with goals from Sigurdsson and Lucas Digne. However, the Toffees are left heartbroken when Kieran Trippier rediscovers his World Cup form and sends a free kick whizzing past his fellow Englishman, Jordan Pickford, to give Spurs the late win.

Manchester United vs. Cardiff City, 4-0

Solskjaer, not willing to leave his side’s Champions League fate completely to chance, unleashes the Red Devils for a second time against Cardiff City — the first victim of Solskjaer’s conquest to become the next manager of Manchester United. Pogba lights up the Bluebirds after converting a penalty and dishing out a trio of assists and adds an additional digit to his rumored transfer fee to Real Madrid.

Leicester City vs. Chelsea, 2-1

It’s 2015 again as the Foxes celebrate another Vardy Party at the King Power Stadium. The team’s leading scorer and one of the league’s top scorers, Vardy, scores his first of the match after taking the top off the defense and receiving a lobbed through ball. Later, he converts a penalty earned by Demarai Gray who was fouled hard by Marcos Alonso. Hazard gets one final goal for Chelsea before heading south to the Spanish capital. The loss leaves a weird taste in Chelsea fans’ mouths who lack the perspective that the first season under Sarri was relatively successful — especially after the constant media pressure directed towards the Italian manager.

Liverpool vs. Wolverhampton, 2-2

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain reasserts himself after missing the majority of the year from a knee injury and gives Liverpool a tentative lead. However, the Ox party is stifled as the top 6’s bogey team strikes again. Jiménez and Diogo Jota step up for Wolves one last time this season and kill almost all hope for Liverpool winning its first Premier League title. Mane equalizes halfway through the second half, but Wolves withstand the constant pressing of the Reds and all eyes switch over to the Amex Stadium where City begin to celebrate its second straight title (yuck).

Brighton & Hove Albion vs. Manchester City, 0-3

At this point, we’re all throwing up in our mouths as they put the blue ribbons on the Premier League trophy again. I’m sure some combo of Agüero, a Silva, and Kevin De Bruyne will score. Even if I’m not confident in who will score, I’m confident that Brighton will be pillaged as City celebrates the title and we rock back and forth, wide eyed, muttering, “at least Liverpool still hasn’t won it.”

Burnley vs. Arsenal, 1-1

United’s win earlier in the day cements Arsenal’s place in the Europa League, and, with Burnley needing a result to stay out of relegation, the Gunners put out one last lackluster performance away from the Emirates. Despite Ramsey scoring one final goal for Arsenal before he heads to the Old Lady, Arsenal’s defensive woes rear their head again and give up a cheap goal to Dyche’s side. Emery sits silently on the sidelines wondering if his club has any money to get him a defense so he doesn’t have to continue playing Eastern European teams on Thursdays for the rest of his Arsenal career.

The Final Premier League Top 6 Standings

There you have it folks. The lesser(?) of two evils takes the Premier League title while Manchester United guarantees itself another year of Champions League football thanks to an incredible league turnaround orchestrated by the true King in the North, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.

Of course, we will have to wait in earnest to see if Ed Woodward finally figures out how to negotiate with teams and provide the players Solskjaer needs to take advantage of another year in the Champions League.