Manchester United willing to pay Alexis Sánchez to bugger off

Taking into consideration the astronomical costs involved, the expectations, and the absolute failure to deliver anything of note, Alexis Sánchez is Manchester United’s worst ever signing. Less than two years removed from being arguably the best player in the Premier League while at Arsenal, the Chilean forward arrived at Old Trafford just under 18 months ago in a blockbuster swap deal (sort of) for Henrikh Mkhitaryan. Much like the Blockbuster chain however, Sánchez was quickly revealed to be nothing but a pathetic shell of his former self.

The fact that Sánchez was nearing the end of his Arsenal contract — and therefore available for the cut price fee of one ineffectual Armenian — meant that the transfer fee “savings” were baked into his signing on fee and eye-watering wages. With appearance, goal, and assist bonuses, United’s anti-talisman reportedly earns upwards of £500,000 per week. That ludicrous amount of money (thanks, Ed!) is obviously the biggest stumbling block in United’s way as they attempt to ship the midget mercenary to whoever will have him in the upcoming transfer window.

Serie A has always been fond of big name castoffs, however, and the latest reports say that both Internazionale and Juventus are interested in a player who has regularly been the worst player on a team that includes Chris Smalling, Phil Jones, and Ashley Young.

Remarkable.

The Italian giants are not quite a get-out-of-jail-free card for United’s incompetent management, however, as their interest comes with a caveat. The decision makers at Inter and Juventus aren’t willing to invest £1,000,000 every fortnight in the half-sized has-been, no matter how good they think he could be with a fresh start. As such, the famed United braintrust of Ed Woodward and his fellow bankers will have to subsidize Sánchez’s salary if they want to get rid of him. Half of it in fact.

Twelve million pounds a year to never have to see the useless little waster in a United shirt again? We should be biting their hands off.