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Premier League entrance music for every Manchester United player

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BAH GAWD

Manchester United Training Session
Sounds of glass smashing
Photo by Matthew Peters/Manchester United via Getty Images

Earlier today, we were all minding our own business/swooning over Marcus Rashford absolutely owning the Tories when the Premier League dropped what is most likely the greatest idea they’ve ever had on us.

Hell. Yes.

There are no fans in the stands, so we need to great creative. It’s not like this is a totally foreign concept — baseball has customized walk up music for players at bats, and there’s been music at cricket for years. We are all for this idea, with one important caveat:

Unless the players are in groups of three or more the commentators/cameras can’t tell or show the TV audience who is warming up. All they should be allowed to say is “a substitution is about to happen.”

Keep us in suspense right up until the bars of that music drop and we have the sudden realization of “GOOD GOD! THAT’S ANDREAS PEREIRA’S MUSIC!

Now comes the fun part. What would the players choose as their walk up music? Nah, who cares what the players would choose. What song should each Manchester United player get?

That’s where we come in.

Angel Gomes: Skee-Lo - I Wish

If Angel Gomes doesn’t come off the bench to this song, what’s the point of the whole exercise? - BM

Paul Pogba: Three way tie

The first time Pogba comes off the bench we have to hit em with the opening to the Lion King. Yoenis Cespedes did this with the Mets for a bit and it tore the house down every time.

After that, if he’s coming off the bench we’re going to Bonnie Tyler’s “I Need a Hero,” because why else are you bringing Pogba off the bench.

If things start going south again and the fans turn on him. Well then, “Cups” by Anna Kendrick it is. Troll game is strong.

- PK

Jesse Lingard: Blink 182 - What’s my Age Again?

“Nobody starts you when you’re 23.” - CD

Bruno Fernandes: Billy Joel - The Entertainer

Get that nice instrumental right into “I am the entertainer.” Perfect. - PK

Anthony Martial: Shaggy - It Wasn’t Me

If you need context here where have you been? At least you can’t say he didn’t live up to the no. 11 legacy when he was wearing the shirt. - CD

Andreas Pereira: Emerson Lake and Palmer - Welcome Back My Friends

“Welcome back my friends to show that never ends.” Good god. - PK

Scott McTominay: The Killers - Andy You’re A Star

Just play that chorus. The others may not appreciate you but we do. - PK

Mason Greenwood: Jay-Z - Everyday A Star Is Born

Mason’s star was already born, now we’re just making it shine brighter. - PK

Harry Maguire: Ms. Jade - Big Head

Low hanging fruit is underrated, tbh. - BM

Eric Bailly: O.A.R. - Shattered

How many times can I break till I shatter? I don’t know but Eric Bailly is definitely trying to find out. - PK

Tahith Chong: Lil Wayne Ft. T-Pain - Got Money

While Angel Gomes is busy arguing over a new contract, Tahith is flaunting his. - PK

David de Gea: Parkway Drive - “Wild Eyes”

For those who aren’t aware, David de Gea is a metal head and that’s effing brilliant — that’s right, our number 1 puts up two fingers to show off his (red) devil’s horns. If you blast this in Old Trafford with the Stretford End joining in on the intro, DDG is getting a clean sheet with double-digit saves and probably also recording an assist at minimum.

Also consider sprinkling in some of Architects’ “Doomsday” to really get the ish going between the posts!

Thank you, DDG for giving visibility to the specific cross section of metalheads and footy fans \m/ - NH

Luke Shaw: Meghan Trainor - All About That Bass

Luke Shaw is all about that bass. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is not. - PK

Marcus Rashford: Flatbush Zombies- MRAZ

“It can’t be possible, he living everything he rhyming, I feel like we entered the game with remarkable timing, timing, timing...”

Meech’s verse at the beginning is perfect for Rash. Both here to change the game, honor their main influences, and continues to prove haters wrong on and off the pitch with their involvement in social issues. A splash of Wayne Rooney and a hint of Cristiano, little dash of Ryan Giggs, top it off with Van Persie, put em all in a blender and he’s wtf you get. - CD

James Garner: Nickelback - Someday

I imagine this is what Garner fell asleep listening to every time Solskjaer started Andreas Pereira this season in midfield instead of giving him a chance. - PK

Fred: The Polyphonic Spree - Light and Day

Pastor Fred is obviously going to have an uplifting gospel song. You thought otherwise? - PK

Nemanja Matic: Simon & Garfunkel - I Am A Rock

“I touch no one and no one touches me. I am a rock. I am an island.” It’s not that we don’t love that, it’s just we wish you were a bit more of a mobile island. - PK

Phil Jones: Arctic Monkeys- Brianstorm

“Brian... Top marks for not tryin...”

A wild and chaotic intro worthy of comparison to Phil Jones’ style. It’s a song about a guy you’re not sure if you hate or love. Constantly undermining others’ work, making a scene, and causing a fuss. - CD

OR

Phil Jones: Modern Baseball - Two Good Things

“Trying hard not not to look like I’m trying that hard, failing miserably at everything including that.”

Balancing a life at Manchester United with constant mistakes and scrutiny. Have to admit he’s done okay though. - CD

Victor Lindelöf: Amon Amarth - “Deceiver of the Gods”

A quick Google search did not reveal much about Victor Lindelöf’s music taste, so I recognize I could be making an incorrect assumption purely based on Lindelöf’s nationality. However, if Lindelöf prefers house music to heavy viking metal, I know I can rely on DDG and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer to represent United in the moshpit — just remember, please no karate in the pit. - NH

Juan Mata: Third Eye Blind - Jumper

Juan’s not trying to psych himself up here, he’s trying to talk to the fans, to send us a message. He knows that when we’re on the ledge when calling up on a 31-year-old with no legs to save the game for us.

Once we get Jadon Sancho, and Kai Havertz/Jack Grealish and all our other toys, if we don’t want to see him again - he’ll understand. - PK

Sergio Romero: Kings of Leon- On Call

“If you’d call me now, baby, I’d come a running...”

Is any more explanation needed? “I’ll be there.” Best back up in football. - CD

Jadon Sancho: Lauren Alaina - Next Boyfriend

Oh sorry, this is just what Ole plays in the background when he watches Borussia Dortmund matches. - PK

Kylian Mbappe: The Beatles - I Want You

Okay this isn’t about walkout songs anymore, it’s just a wishlist. - CD