Ronaldo staying at Madrid "forever"

Ashes and sackcloth, friends. Ashes and sackcloth. Jorge Mendes, the Secret Ruler of Football, has descended from his lofty castle in the sky to make a pronouncement on the future of his client Cristiano Ronaldo. And it's not happy reading for those Manchester United fans who had allowed themselves to believe that He might just be on his way back to Old Trafford ...

Cristiano is very happy at Real Madrid and has always been very happy. He's going to break all the records with Real Madrid and he's going to retire here. He has a lot of love for United because his heart was there for six years, but now he's only thinking about Real Madrid and he's going to stay here forever. He's incredibly happy. It's one thing to respect the people who remember him but he's with Madrid to the death.

Which is fine, obviously, because he's rubbish and old and a bit of a tit, and he's probably going to get injured soon anyway, and he doesn't pass to anybody else. Didn't want him back. Not at all. Nope.