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Adidas to fund mega-transfer for Barcelona genius, it says here

Lionel Messi! Manchester United! A noted sportswear company! We're through the looking glass, people.

Gonzalo Arroyo Moreno/Getty Images

There's still — checks calendar — nearly two weeks of this nonsense to go, friends, so brace yourself and we'll make this as painless as possible. News reaches us, via the Mirror— tilts head from side to side — and Spanish website Fichajes— shrugs — that Adidas' forthcoming deal with Manchester United won't just mean oodles and oodles of dollars and a freedom from the tyranny of terrible Nike shirts. Oh no.

It will also mean Lionel Messi.

Messi, as you are doubtless aware, wears Adidas boots and Adidas clothes and, for all we know, has three stripes shaved into his personal hairy places. And the thought of getting him to a team that plays in Adidas shirts is, apparently, quite appealing to the German company. So much so that they are willing to assist United in a bid for the player, even up to the extent of his TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILLION EUROS YES TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILLION EUROS FOR A FOOTBALLER ALRIGHT HE'S REALLY GOOD AND THE WORLD IS A STUPID PLACE AND ALL BUT STILL, REALLY, COME ON NOW release clause.

All sounds legit to us. We're just worried about whether he can play up front with Gareth Bale and the Easter Bunny.