United "monitoring" unhappy Barcelona star — reports

Wait, hang on. Luis Suárez?!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...

Sorry, give me a second ... oh, no, going again ...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...

... oh, mercy.

Look, that's what it says here. Here being the Daily Mail. We know, we know: prepare your pinches of salt; hoist your sceptical eyebrows; rub your chin. Ready? Good. Here's the reasoning. "Reasoning."

Barcelona, as you may have heard, are in bit of a mess. Lionel Messi isn't talking to coach Luis Enrique, sporting director Andoni Zubizaretta — who bought Suárez — has been fired, his assistant Carles Puyol has resigned, and board elections have been called for the end of the season. This unfolding crisis, coupled with the chompy one's poor form — a mere three goals in twelve games — has led United (along with City, Chelsea and Arsenal) to begin "monitoring" the former Liverpool player's position. Presumably hoping that, in all the political crossfire, somebody decides to sacrifice him.

Aye, right. Here's why this isn't happening. One, Suárez is really good at football. Two, Barcelona can't buy a replacement for the next two transfer windows. And three, even if Barcelona do panic and do something silly, he won't be coming to United. Buying a man who racially abused one of your own players would be, well, let's just say bold and leave it there.

Alternative suggestion: might United be monitoring the situation because watching Barcelona tear themselves to pieces while Suárez struggles for form is, if we're being honest, quite funny? A thought, there.