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Fletcher's West Ham move collapses

United's Scottish midfielder will not, as things stand, be moving to London.

Matthew Lewis/Getty Images

UNDONE DEAL!

Darren Fletcher, Manchester United's "third captain", was on his way to east London. The eels were jellied, the apples were peared, and Big Sam was bashing out a welcome tune on the ol' Joanna. That means piano. Here's Louis van Gaal to explain:

I thought Darren was going to sign a contract. But at the end they look for a loan and that was not the agreement. When you allow your player to go to London for the medical, there is no problem. At the end there is no agreement, it is strange. I don't know what is happening there but the agreement is different there. On Saturday it is off.

Sounds like the Hammers moved the goalposts. Quite why, we don't know, though the fact that this didn't rear it's head until the medical was done suggests that the doctors may have had a hand. Perhaps they discovered a previously unknown allergy to 'aving a banana. That means banana.