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Manchester United's "sensational" "£67m" "deadline day" "DOUBLE swoop"

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Didn't there used to be a newspaper around here somewhere?

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There's a long day ahead of us, but tBB thinks we've hit peak nonsense already. The Daily Express, taking a break from predicting weather-based apocalypses and contacting the restless ghost of Princess Diana, have United making a "double swoop" on Wolfsburg and Borussia Dortmund.

Dortmund is for Hummels, obviously: apparently Louis Van Gaal is "prepared to test Dortmund's resolve with a take-it-or-leave-it bid of £37m". But who do United want from Wolfsburg?

Why, it's Kevin de Bruyne! Formerly of Chelsea, ginger of hair, freckled of face. It says here that "the Belgium international is now regarded as one of the Bundesliga's finest playmakers" and "Van Gaal believes that De Bruyne would fit in perfectly with his 4-4-2 diamond formation, and is ready to make a whopping £30million bid for his signature."

Look, we're not saying this impossible. We know there's interest in Hummels, and De Bruyne is ... well, he's quite good. But we are saying that this is definitely not going to happen.