Today is Sunday. You'd think, what with it being traditionally a day of rest and all that, the rumourmongers might follow the lead of their fish-, cheese- and iron- brethren and leave it alone for 24 hours. But no! From this we can conclude that when it comes to -mongering, football transfers, like war-, is a week-round business.
Goalkeeping news first. Last time United bought a young goalkeeper from Atletico Madrid, he turned out okay, at least until he broke all our hearts on the way back to Spain. To forestall that ever happening, United are trying to repeat the first part but with somebody who isn't Spanish. Genius, we think you'll agree. Anyway, Atleti want £25m for Jan Oblak, say the Sunday Mirror. He had at least one belting game in the Champions League, we know that much.
But wait! Elsewhere in the Mirror, it appears that Ajax's Jasper Cillessen is the priority. Maybe this is one of those funhouse mirrors. Look, my head's gone a funny shape!
Manchester City are interested in Angel di Maria, says the Sunday Times, though you'll need to be a subscriber if you want to actually read the story. Or you could spend that money on some flowers to brighten up your room and your life, in the knowledge even their eventual decay will be less miserable than this pitiful excuse for a transfer rumour. Up to you.
Meanwhile, according to the Daily StahahahahahahahahahaAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Manchester United are interested in Sergio Ramos. Apparently there's a row about wages, which has "put United on full alert". We suggest you remortgage your house* and spend the proceeds on as many RAMOS 5 shirts as you can fit in your house. That'll confuse the bailiffs.
Do not remortgage your house.
Over on ESPN, John Crace predicts that Harry Kane will be staying at White Hart Lane this summer. Bit odd that he doesn't have his own place to go to, but maybe he just likes it there: either way, Wayne Rooney will be upset. While we're on the sporting extension of the House of Mouse, Andy Mitten, noted United fan and writer, has an interesting piece on the life of a football agent.
Finally, some former Manchester United legend news first. Radamel Falcao, he who promised so much and fell over so often, is getting closer to signing for Chelsea, says the Telegraph. We bring this to your attention not because it's particularly interesting — he's a Monaco player, after all — but to give you warning.
Because he's going to score a couple of goals for Chelsea. They're a good team that make a lot of chances. And when he does, there are going to be opinion pieces arguing that perhaps United made a mistake by not buying him. And that, dear friends, is going to be annoying in that special way that only capering and wilful stupidity can be annoying. Brace yourselves. The thinkpieces are a-coming.