Manchester United do not expect Real Madrid to bid for De Gea

It's a barren, featureless desert out there this morning, Busby Babers, and no, we don't just have the map upside down. We even briefly found ourselves clicking over to open sewer that is the Express, before realising what we were up to and hastily scrubbing ourselves down with wire wool. (Felipe Anderson, "reignited" interest, £32.8m, apparently.)

There is some David de Gea stuff floating around, though. The Telegraph reckon that United aren't expecting another bid from Real Madrid: apparently the powers that be are "sceptical" that Madrid will come back in so late. Which rather contradicts this from the Mirror, which suggests that De Gea's people are "increasingly confident" of getting a deal done. Pick your favourite.

In other Manchester United purchase news, Sam Johnstone will need to find himself a new car, after some dastardly villains took advantage of his trip to Belgium to make off with his Mercedes. According to the Express, Johnstone is "poised" to "swoop" on a "two-seater Smart Car".

ClubCall reckon United are about to drop an unspecified amount of money on Arjen Robben. We've included this only because there are a certain generation of football fans who will feel a near-Proustian frisson at the sight of the words "ClubCall", which used to be a telephone service for boys and girls seeking hot transfer chat. It's not actually going to happen.