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Welcome to Manchester United's Transfer Deadline Day, January 2016

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BUY BUY BUY SELL SELL SELL LOAN LOAN LOAN

Alex Livesey/Getty Images

TRANSFER

Who do Manchester United need to buy? You could make a very good case for the club needing at least two top-class (and so likely ultra-expensive) players: a central defender to keep Chris Smalling company, and a forward to complement and eventually replace Wayne Rooney.

DEADLINE

Who are Manchester United going to buy? Probably nobody. Possibly a child from Portugal, a forward from Russia and a rightback from somewhere.

DAY

Whatever happens, you'll read about it here as soon as we read about it somewhere else. We may not have the contacts or the imagination to bring you actual reporting, but we certainly have the ennui and lingering sense of worthlessness to be helpfully and engagingly dismissive about anything that happens, good or bad.

JANUARY

Failing that, we'll probably resort to sticking up videos, possibly of transfer windows gone by. Great medicals we have known. Unveilings throughout the ages. That time outside Stoke when a bloke rolled  a cigarette

2016

Get hyped.

Our full stream of all the day's exciting non-events can be found here.